Whispered Messages

I am from a family of strong women. These strong women are creatively gifted. One of these women, in particular, seems to be another piece of me. A piece I didn’t know I was missing . . . but now, can’t imagine living without. This bit of writing exists because of a blog she recently wrote that made me consider, and write, a reply. Thank you, Linda, for knowing what I need when I don’t.

Growing up, my life was filled with rich imagination. Part of it, I think, was a way for me to escape the more difficult times in my childhood. There was another part, however, that knew (without any doubt) there were “others” in existence. Call them what you will: spirits, energies, beings, angels. Deep in my soul, I knew, we were not alone. Throughout my life, I’ve had instances when my inner voice has offered guidance . . . and I’ve listened. Other times, I turned away and learned well needed lessons. We all have this voice.

My cousin, Linda, asked in her blog if anyone else had heard these voices . . . and what they meant to them. Oddly, or appropriately, I’d been considering the return of my inner whisperings quite a bit lately. So, her question was a continuation of the conversation I’ve been having with myself that past few months!

I started my reply with a resounding “Yes!!” Then I went on to explain, my voice left me after my child was killed. It was no longer there. And I didn’t miss it. As it’s slowly returned, I’ve wondered why it went away in the first place.

One day, last year, I was walking through a store and I saw a sign that read simply “it is well with my soul”. I read it over a few times. I picked it up and ran my fingers over the words. And, I thought, it IS well with my soul. Then . . . I had the internal chastising all grieving mothers do: how can it be well with your soul when your child is dead? What kind of mother are you??

With a start, I realized, my soul is mending. Somewhere, deep inside, the broken pieces are starting to fit together. Hmmm, broken pieces. Is that why I couldn’t hear my voice for so long? My pain, rattling around my soul, like a muslin bag filled with shattered china teacups? Was the noise just too loud for anything else to rise above its volume? Maybe.

I also have to consider the fact, I turned my back on my inner guidance out of rage. Deep seated anger because it only whispered a small part of a bigger truth. Only half of the information I needed to know.

Around ten o’clock, on the night my daughter was killed, I had an ominous feeling settle on my shoulders. I knew something big was going to happen . . . but I didn’t know what. Feeling so strongly that my life was going to change drastically, I told my manager I wouldn’t be back to work. Four hours later, my child was killed on a cold dark stretch of highway. Why wasn’t I given THAT little piece of information? Why the bigger picture, but not the small part that would have saved her life? What kind of inner voice is that half assed??

How many bereaved mothers KNEW their child had died before they were told?

I am thankful to say that the inner whisperings of my soul, my heart, my guide, my ancestors, my kindreds . . . are with me again. I am also very grateful to have found, a piece of my family, that can help me on journey.

Grieving mommas, find other strong women, to help support you. This is a solitary journey, the loss of our child, but it’s one that can not be taken alone.

Author: Diane Neas

I'm a mother, artist, and writer. A decade ago I lost my daughter. I find writing, and painting, heal me. Sharing my story of loss and healing lightens what I carry. And, hopefully, my words help another along the way.

11 thoughts on “Whispered Messages”

  1. Oh, Diane! I am so honored by your words. Tears running down my face as I write this. As much as I dislike social media at time, I am eternally grateful that it has allowed us to find each other – family torn about by circumstance. We are kindreds, for sure. Can’t wait until I can hold you in my arms and give you the hugs I send you virtually now. Much love, dear cousin!

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  2. I Respect U Strong Woman dear Diane. The pain of Your loss Is beyond comprehension. Your words are emotional contagion for me. There are so many bereaved people all waiting for support and to share their feelings with others who can realise their pain. I just pray and hope that This social networking helps to connect all these people which will provide support to their healing process.

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    1. That is my hope, as well. As a society (humans in general in today’s world) I think we stink at grief. we fall short when we are dealing with grief, and those who are grieving. My hope is that people realize they are not alone. ❤

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  3. Another beautiful post Diane. About a month before I lost Averie I remember folding her clothes to see what we had for her, and the thought “what if she doesn’t get to wear these” popped up in my mind. I’m not sure if it was my people preparing me for what was to happen or my pregnant scared mind kicking in. I’ve always wondered why I had that thought. Thank you for sharing your words they are always so inspirational. I’ve been trying lately to be more open to receive messages from my spirit guides so thank you for this reminder xx

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    1. I think we are prepared for this loss . . . in a way, if we are open to receive it. I believe my daughter had her own “inkling” of what was going to happen because the few weeks prior to her death, she mended a few friendships, and said things to people she felt she needed to. ❤ thank you for your kind words!

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